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[08 Feb 2005|01:12pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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"All Tomorrow's Parties" by the Velvet Underground |
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Bleh....
I sort of wish I hadn't volunteered to help out with All-State this weekend. Greg's car is slowly and painfully dying and I don't think he'll be able to make it up here to visit me. I would hate to have to go for two weeks without seeing him.. even if he does come up here I'll be really busy most of the time with helping out the orchestras, because a lot of those dumbass kids don't know even how to tune their own intruments and I'll have to do it for them. *sigh*
Plus I'll be seeing my asshole strings teacher from high school and that's never fun. Especially seeing as how the last time we spoke we were screaming in each other's faces. I also have to see my asshole ex-boyfriend who is probably really scared of me. Man, All-State sucks... At least Jennifer'll be there, and she's cool.
Now I have to go to Ear Training, so I can hone my useless snapping abilities. I'm always way too high for that class. Plus I can only snap with my right hand and I'm not right-handed so it's a little confusing.
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[16 Dec 2004|09:51am] |
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mood |
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 high |
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music |
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noises outside my window |
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I'm pretty bored. I wish I had more friends in this town. I think the only reason I have friends in Montgomery is because I always lived there, so I just grew up running into the same people over and over again. I've never had to move to a totally new town before and try and make friends.
Also, it doesn't help that I don't really like most people enough to want to hang out with them. It's not that I'm stuck up, I just hardly ever had friends growing up, and most people made fun of me, so I got used to being by myself and I learned to not trust anybody, and to hide myself away from people.
Even though now I have decent social skills and I'm not ugly anymore, I still just feel like the same geek with the pigeon toes and the huge glasses and the funny clothes and the books under my arm that I was in fourth grade.
I can't wait to go home to Greg... he makes me feel so much better about myself.
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[16 Dec 2004|09:09am] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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music |
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"Say Hi to the Bad Guy" by Ice Cube |
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Just finished my last exam. I'm going home later on today.
This was kind of a depressing semester... I'm pretty glad it's over.
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[15 Dec 2004|04:32pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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Symphony #5 in C# Minor (Movement 5) by Gustav Mahler |
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Boy what a dull day. Christmas shopping and two visits to the doctor's office. Now it's time to study for Biology but I'd really just like to lay down and cry or go to sleep or something. I miss Greg.
Sometimes the giant stadium looming out my window is sort of creepy.
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[20 Oct 2004|03:37pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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"The State That I Am In" by Belle and Sebastian |
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Slept through Biology today. Woke up feeling awful. Wish I wasn't in Tuscaloosa.
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[19 Oct 2004|10:57pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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"Tremulant" by the Mars Volta |
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Waiting for Greg to call me back, so I figured I'd update my Live Journal instead of doing my Theory homework. I've had a bummer of a week so far. I hate it when I'm too depressed to go about my normal daily activities. Everything seems like such a huge fucking hassle these days. It sure didn't help that I picked one of the hardest majors in the whole school, and that I'm expected to devote hours and hours out of every day to my major. Goddamnit... I hate PMS. *sigh*
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[15 Oct 2004|01:36am] |
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mood |
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high |
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music |
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"There and Back Again" by Belle and Sebastian |
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Ergh. Can't sleep. Going to the chiropractor's tomorrow to fix my back. I never thought I would be so excited to go to a chiropractor's office. According to my massage therapist, I seem to have dislodged my two lowest vertebrae. What's up with these jackasses making Indian Pow-Wow sounds in the street?????? they must be out of state football fans. I'm so high... I smoked out of a really nice vaporizer tonight. I haven't felt this high in months.
I really really miss Greg. I hate knowing that he's like two blocks away from me but I can't be with him. I have to say goodbye to him early in the morning, after which I'm gonna have a long, stressful day. *sigh* Thank God someone invented energy drinks. I don't know why I ever bothered with Yellow Jackets. I love you, Greg.
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[14 Oct 2004|01:09pm] |
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mood |
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 moody |
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music |
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"Durch die Walder" from Der Freishutz by Weber |
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I fucking hate PMS. I hate not having the mental capacity for a week and a half to feel happiness. I get to see Greg tonight at my concert, so I should be fucking GLEEFUL. All I can feel, though, is a dull heartache, and an apprehension that I can't explain in words. Everything looks dead and grey to me. I try to write poetry, and it seems really good to me while I'm engaged in the act of writing it, but when I look back on it I can't feel pride or respect for myself. The two emotions I'm feeling more than anything else right now are anger and disgust with myself. I don't even know why I bother to update my Live Journal. Nobody ever reads this fucking thing. I think it's funny how, when I look at other people's journals, they'll have a short little meaningless post with 8 comments under it. I was always unpopular, even on the internet. Maybe it's because I hate most people and somehow they can seem to tell, even though I'm usually really friendly and cordial to people I meet. Maybe even over the internet people can tell I'm a misanthropic bitch. Jesus fucking Christ.... I wish I had a sedative.
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[13 Oct 2004|11:37pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
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music |
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"Judy and the Dream of Horses" by Belle and Sebastian |
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Late at night, nothing to do. I guess today was pretty good, minus the orchestra rehearsal part. Got stoned with Jennings and Ned and watched Ned play Fable. So many hours of my life have been spent watching that game... most of them spent watching Greg slaughter countless guards and villagers. Good fun. Made an agreement with Mara to start going to yoga together next week, maybe that will help my muscles out.
I've been in a Belle and Sebastiany mood all day. My brother got to see them play in Philadelphia with Rasputina, the lucky bastard. I was in a Built to Spillish mood earlier, which is something that rarely happens nowadays. Actually, since I started going to school my brain only seems to have room for classical and hip-hop. Strange.
Ich. I feel really blah. Talked to Joey online tonight, apparently he's been feeling the blahness down in Montgomery. I guess that tends to happen when the city you live in is also an eternally swirling vortex of lost souls. I guess another way you could describe Montgomery is "velcro for losers". I still love it, in my own special way. Except for any part of Montgomery south of South Boulevard. Fuck that noise.
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[13 Oct 2004|08:52pm] |
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mood |
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angry |
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"The Laughing Song" from Die Fledermaus by Strauss |
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I feel like ten pounds of shit in a nine pound bag. I'd like to thank my orchestra conductor for being enough of an inconsiderate bastard to make us play for two and a half hours without a break. My back hurt so bad while I was playing that I was fighting back tears throughout the whole rehearsal, and at one point had to get up, go to the bathroom and cry for about ten minutes. So once again, thanks a lot, McCreery, for being an inconsiderate fucking douche bag.
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[12 Oct 2004|09:54pm] |
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mood |
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 mellow |
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music |
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"When Will They Shoot?" by Ice Cube |
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Waiting for Greg to call me back...
Red Bull makes me happy. Some chick in my orchestra whose name I don't even know asked me to go to her Halloween party. She says she's hiring a professional psychic to come, which sounds a little sketchy, but maybe interesting. I might go... but I heard her today asking somebody where she could get some Bush stickers. I dunno if she was kidding or being serious. Bush fans creep me the fuck out. I really hope nobody in my orchestra's that stupid.
I wish I had like 15 Red Bulls.
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[12 Oct 2004|04:08pm] |
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mood |
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discontent |
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"Televators" by the Mars Volta |
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I'm trying to replace the weed with cigarettes. So far it's working, except for the fact that I'm now a chain smoker. So now I'm even more like Greg! At least cigarettes don't have as much tar. If I'm going to use a crutch, I might as well use a less unhealthy crutch, eh?
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[12 Oct 2004|12:21am] |
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mood |
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 lazy |
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music |
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"The Cold Part" by Modest Mouse |
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This whole "Live Journal" thing sure does provide a nice distraction from studying Biology. I ate fried chicken with Mara tonight. My brother just called and left a message on my cell phone where he sings "The Cold Part" by Modest Mouse in a really out of tune voice. I made sure to save it for when I'm feeling blue. Even though it's a pretty strange thought, being cheered up by a song that usually makes me feel like I'm dying. That feeling in itself used to cheer me up a lot, but times are better now.
What the hell is this movie on TV? I really wish my roommate didn't always need to have the TV on. This movie is either "Needful Things" or a movie about football. I haven't decided which, yet.
Damn.... I have a 2 hour rehearsal tomorrow and I didn't practice tonight. We're playing all the hard ones too... Mozart, you evil little bastard... why did you compose Marriage of Figaro?????? And why the hell did it have to be so FAST??? And why the fuck does everybody like Mozart so much?!
Greg!!! I miss you! As soon as you read this you should go make your own Live Journal and then we'll have cute little matching journals. You could tell as many jokes about dead babies and lepers as you please. If you have a Live Journal and update it a lot, then maybe I'll be inspired to update mine a lot. I've had this journal for a while but I only feel the urge to write in it like three times a year, maybe. Except for now. I'd really much rather be doing this than learning about photosynthesis.
Oh no!!! It really is a movie about football!
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[11 Oct 2004|11:31pm] |
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amused |
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"I Hope You Die" by the Bloodhound Gang |
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I smell cat food.
I love you, Greg!!!! I miss you sooo much! Even though we just got off the phone like five minutes ago and you're about to call me back.
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[11 Oct 2004|05:55pm] |
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mood |
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melancholy |
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"Dirty Mack" by Ice Cube |
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Ok, so thanks to Erin showing me her LiveJournal, I was inspired to update this thing for the first time in like a year. I've noticed that on LiveJournal there's an obscene amount of Montgomery kids that I've been friends with at some point in my life. Maybe some of them will come around and read this thing. Or maybe I'm just writing for myself.
So what's new with me? School kind of sucks. The music school is pretty cool and I have a really good viola teacher. However, thanks to playing the viola all damn day I'm constantly having excruciating lower back pain and the every day things I used to take for granted have become extremely difficult and painful, such as tying my shoelaces or bending over to pick something off the floor. I hate feeling that I'm only 18 yet my body's already decided to start falling apart. For example, my lungs always hurt due to the large amount of marijuana I smoke on a daily basis. I'm coughing up shit all the time, but I feel like I need it just to get through the day. I want to quit, but I can't seem to find any new method of conquering the anxiety that grips me from the moment I wake up in the morning to the moment I go to bed. Even now I'm sitting here gnawing on my fingernails and tapping both my feet. The sad thing is that weed doesn't even do anything to me nowadays. I just always feel the compulsive need to smoke.
I really miss my boyfriend. I just saw him this morning, but it feels like it was much longer than that. Until he moves here Tuscaloosa is going to be a very dreary and soulless place for me. I find myself hating everything about this city. It smells horrible, it's crowded, people drive like maniacs, George W. Bush seems to be everybody's #1 hero, and, most of all, Greg doesn't live here. Not yet, at least. Until he does, I'll live for the weekend, when I get to come back to Montgomery for a little while. I spend the weekdays feeling like a huge chunk of my soul has just gone missing. The other half of me is 100 miles away. If I were like the rest of the brain-dead motherfuckers in this town I'd be drowning out the melancholy with liquor right now. I wouldn't have time to party even if I felt like it, being a music major. So instead I drive around aimlessly, blaring hip-hop from my speakers (one of life's great comforts), wishing that I wasn't in Tuscaloosa. I miss Greg so fucking much right now. I wish I had a teleporter that led directly to South Perry Street in Montgomery. Or maybe an airship, like an RPG character. Better yet, I wish I had some Lexapro.
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[04 Nov 2003|01:48pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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"Bulletproof...I Wish I Was" by Radiohead |
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I quit my job. I had to quit taking lessons in Columbus. Sorry for not updating anymore. I got a job at ASF.
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[10 Sep 2003|07:06pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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music |
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"Unravel" by Bjork |
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I'm feeling pretty good. I got a job as a cashier at Winn-Dixie so I don't really have a lot of time to update. The Pixies are back together!!! Holy Christ!!! Jubilation, jubilation! My God. I have a new viola teacher, who lives in Georgia and charcges 55 bucks a lesson, but I think it'll be worth it. Got a new shoulder rest and scale book today... awesome. I have to go back to work. :(
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[27 Aug 2003|04:58pm] |
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mood |
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complacent |
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"Break my Body" by the Pixies |
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Hmmm.... I'm feeling somewhat better. Today wasn't so bad. We had our first "terrorist/deranged gunman/mass murderer drill" at school today, complete with cool-sounding secret code phrases spoken over the intercom. They didn't tell us about it, which made it really strange and hilarious when completely out of the blue our teacher asked us to huddle on one side of the room when we were in the middle of a test. Good times. Another thing, Beth Gieske tried to gouge out my eye with her violin bow in fourth block. Dr. Boyd was telling her that she needed to use more bow when she plays, and I sit right next to her, so I said in a super-cheerful voice, "Come on, Beth!! You can do it!! Don't be afraid of gouging my eye out!!" She turned to me with this really deranged look on her face and started jabbing her bow at my eyes like she was really going to do it. She's the last person I would expect to go all crazed and psychopathic and jab sharp objects into people's eyes. Oh my God, I'm still laughing. That was so hilarious...
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[22 Aug 2003|05:11pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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music |
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"Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead |
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Another day, updating again. My God, I've never been so lonely in my life. I'd give anything for a friend, something more than a string of acquaintances I wave to in the hallways at school. Even Janel would do. I haven't had this many suicidal thoughts since I stopped taking Accutane. A lot of things are going good in my life - I can finally drive, I have easy classes, nice clothes, and I might be getting a job soon. But I can't help the feeling (I could float through the ceiling) that I'm too much of a freak to ever live a happy, normal life, or to even have a normal, close relationship with another human being. I've never known what it felt like to truly be a part of something - I've never been part of a group of friends, except for a few brief periods (like when I was friends with Janel or when I went out with Morgan) where I was a tagalong with a clique that was polite to me but not too interested in friendship. I've never been anything but a tagalong or an outsider or a wallflower. Even in my own family I feel less important than the cat. I really hate being alive sometimes.
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[21 Aug 2003|04:52pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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"Jesus Gonna Be Here" by Tom Waits |
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Last night was the bestest Ten Commandments rally I've ever been to! Man, I love the Great State of Alabama. Got down on my knees and prayed with all the crazies, so my cover wouldn't be blown. Got to meet a CNN reporter, and see presidential candidate Alan Keyes give a nutso speech that had everyone foaming at the mouth. Stephen Giles from my 9th grade musical theory class was the ringleader of a group of kids wearing Confederate flags as capes. Put up derogatory pictures of Roy Moore on telephone poles and parking meters when noone was looking. Saw a redneck holding a sign that suggested that Morris Dees be sent to "Araq". Another one saying he should be boiled in lava or something crazy like that. Gotta love the good ol' SPLC. And I took quite a few pictures of the big gray monument, which turned out not to be all that big or impressive. They wouldn't let us inside to see it up close, curses and double curses. I probably would have brought my handy spraycan along. What a hilarious night.
And today! We watched The Wiz in my 2nd block class, because we had a sub. Who wasn't insane or handicapped, it was really strange. Anyways....... it was hilarious. It's a 1970s remake of the Wizard of Oz with an all-black cast, with Diana Ross as Dorothy, Michael Jackson as the Scarecrow and Richard Pryor as "the Wiz". God, what a wacky movie.
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